Jewish view of marriage
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Judaism considers marriage to be the ideal state of existence; a man without a wife, or a woman without a husband, are considered incomplete.
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[edit] Classical customs
In traditional Jewish society, from the era of the Talmud up to the enlightenment, social association of the sexes was usually restricted (tzeniut). In Orthodox Jewish communities these social restrictions are still practiced.
[edit] Betrothal from the Mishnah and Talmud
The Mishna describes three ways of contracting betrothal (tractate Kiddushin 1:1):
- With money (as when a man hands a woman an object of value, such as a ring or a coin, for the purpose of contracted marriage, and in the presence of two witnesses, and she actively accepts);
- Through a shtar, a contract containing the betrothal declaration phrased as "through this contract"; or
- By sexual intercourse with the intention of creating a bond of marriage, a method strongly discouraged by the rabbinic sages.
Today only the betrothal ceremony involving the object of value (i.e. the equivalent of "with money"), almost always a ring, is practiced, but the others may be fallen back upon should a halachic dispute occur.
Engagement for marriage was generally brought about by a third person, often a professional match-maker ("shadchan"). The process is called Shidduchim (Hebrew: matches). The shadchan received a "brokerage-fee" fixed by law or agreed upon by custom, as a rule a small percentage of the dowry. It was paid by either of the parties, or each paid one-half, at the betrothal or after the wedding. The rabbi, as a person enjoying special confidence, was also often employed as intermediary. Although the marriage preliminaries were the concern of the parents, their children were not forced into marriage over their objections.
[edit] Marriage ceremony
The marriage ceremony is based on the rules for transfer of property or of rights in antiquity. In marriage, the woman accepts a ring (or something of value) from the man, accepting the terms of the marriage. This is called betrothal, or kiddushin or erusin. A ketubah ("[marriage] contract") is read publicly. Witnesses are required for both the signing of the ketubah and the ceremonies.
At the giving of the ring the groom (chosson) makes a declaration "You are consecrated to me, through this ring, according to the religion of Moses and Israel." Traditionally there is no verbal response on the part of the bride. She accepts the ring on her finger, and closes her hand, signifying acceptance.
Finally the couple are joined in matrimony under the chuppah, in the ceremony of nissuin, symbolizing their setting up house together. Very often the chuppah is made of an outstretched tallit (Jewish prayer shawl), but it can be any sort of canopy.
The ceremony reaches its climax with both the bride and groom drinking wine. The groom then steps on the wine glass to break it. The origin of this custom is shrouded in mystery, and various understandings of this custom exist:
- The oldest source seems to be from the Babylonian Talmud, tractate Berakhot 31a; it has a story about the wedding of Rav Ashi's son. When the celebrants began to get carried away, Rav Ashi brought out and broke a crystal glass in front of them. The interpretation by the Tosafot (early medieval Talmudic commentators) is that even during moments of great celebration, one must maintain proper decorum. It may be related to the belief that it is best to temper one's joy, in order to avert inviting bad fortune.
- The breaking of the glass represents the Jewish community's continuing sorrow of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem; no celebration is totally complete without the Temple.
- Among Kabbalists (adherents of Jewish mysticism), this custom is said to be a reminder of the broken fragments of Creation, and our need to engage in Tikkun Olam, the repairing of the world on a spiritual level.
[edit] Reform and Conservative adaptations
Conservative Judaism and Reform Judaism have created new rules governing the wedding ceremony. Today most non-traditional Jewish women respond by giving a ring to the groom, and recite an appropriate passage, such as the famous verse from the Song of Songs, Ani l'dodi v'dodi Li ("I am for my beloved, and my beloved is for me", Song of Songs 6:3).
[edit] The Ketubah
The ketubah lays out rights of the wife (to monetary payments upon termination of the marriage by death or divorce), and obligations of the husband (providing food, shelter, clothing, and sexual satisfaction to the wife). Due to its overriding importance, it was not written in the Hebrew language, but in Aramaic, the lingua franca of Jews at the time the first Ketubot became standardized.
Orthodox Judaism uses a traditional ketubah based on the forms that have evolved and standardized over the past millennium. There are minor variations between Orthodox groups, but none of major legal or theological difference. While Jews today no longer speak Aramaic, Orthodox ketubot are still written in this tongue. Nowadays many Orthodox ketubot also have English translations.
[edit] Conservative, Reform and Reconstructionist changes
Conservative Judaism uses a traditional ketubah, but has incorporated two changes. Aramaic ketubot (pl.) are still used, but since Hebrew has been reborn as a living language, an official Hebrew version of the Ketubah is now sometimes used. A second change is that a new paragraph is allowed as an option as a "prenuptial agreement"; this paragraph includes a directive that if the couple ever gets a civil (non-religious) divorce, they must go to a Bet Din ("[rabbinical] court") and follow its directives, which tells the husband that he must give his wife a get, a Jewish divorce.
The Reform and Reconstructionist movements use both more equalized versions of the ketubah, and also use documents that are essentially not a ketubah at all, but rather a new form of wedding celebration document.
[edit] Chuppah
A chuppah (also spelled huppa, chupah, or chuppa - plural chuppot) is a canopy traditionally used in Jewish weddings. It consists of a cloth or sheet — sometimes a tallit ("prayershawl") — stretched or supported over four poles, and is sometimes carried by attendants to the ceremony location. It is meant to symbolize the home which the couple will build together.
A traditional chuppah, especially within Orthodox Judaism, recommends that there be open sky exactly above the chuppah. If the wedding ceremony is held indoors in a hall, sometimes a special opening is built to be opened during the ceremony. Many Hasidim prefer to conduct the entire ceremony outdoors.
In a spiritual sense, the covering of the chuppah represents the presence of God over the covenant of marriage. As a man's kipa (skull cap) served as a reminder of the Creator above all, (also a symbol of separation from God), so the chuppah was erected to signify that the ceremony and institution of marriage has divine origins.
Before going under the chuppah the groom, amidst joyous singing of the guests, covers the bride's face with a veil. This ceremony is called Badeken or Bedekung, and is at least 600 years old. The origin of this tradition is in the dispute of what exactly is the chuppah. There are opinions that the chuppah means covering the bride's face, and that by this covering the couple is getting married. This opinion is based on the Verse: “[T]hen she took her veil and covered herself.” (Genesis, 24, 65) in which Rebekah meets Isaac. Some are strict to make sure that the witnesses will see the covering, for them to actually be considered as witnessing the marriage.
[edit] Ritual purity in family life
The Laws of "Family Purity" (taharas hamishpacha) have always been a pre-requisite of the Orthodox Jewish marriage. This requires a knowledge of the menstrual Niddah laws which all Jewish brides and grooms should have studied prior to the wedding.
[edit] Controversy over intermarriage
The Jewish concept of marriage is based on kiddushin (sanctification). The wife and husband are publicly sanctified to each other in an exclusive relationship. The rules regarding such sanctification, by definition, are for a relationship between the Jews. The Jewish declaration of marriage includes the phrase that the marriage is being carried out by the laws of Moses and Israel; such a declaration has no meaning for a marriage ceremony between a Jew and a gentile. If any such marriage is carried out Jews are aware of the civil legitimacy of such a ceremony, but accord it no religious legitimacy.
[edit] Civil versus religious marriages, and inter-faith marriages
There is an ongoing debate about inter-faith marriage in especially the Jewish community. Orthodoxy argues from the biblical prohibition on the ancient Israelites against permitting their children to marry the children of gentiles (Deuteronomy 7:3); Moses warns that on transgression, their children will follow other gods, and they themselves will consequently be destroyed. Some traditionalists speak metaphorically of intermarriage in the modern era as a "Silent Holocaust." Modernists see inter-faith marriages as a contribution to a multicultural society that enriches lives. Children from intermarriages identify as Jewish significantly less frequently than children of marriages with two Jewish partners.
In the past, intermarriages were rare. Over the last half-century the rate of intermarriage in the USA in particular has skyrocketed, approaching 50% in some communities.
All branches of Orthodox Judaism, both Haredi and non-Haredi, refuse to accept any validity of intermarriages. Reform Judaism and Reconstructionist Judaism do not accept the Halakha (Rabbinical Jewish law) as normative, so technically they do not have firm rules against it. Therefore, under certain circumstances that must be discussed with the rabbi beforehand, many Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis will officiate at a marriage between a Jew and a gentile, as long as the couple agrees to certain conditions. These conditions usually state that the couple must raise the children as Jewish and provide them with some sort of formal Jewish education.
There is a difference between a religious Jewish marriage and the secular marriage. In the United States (and many other countries), when a rabbi officiates at a wedding, it is de facto a legal wedding by the law of the United States, as well; therefore, a rabbi cannot officiate for you without a civil license. This is the secular (civil) marriage. However, Kiddushin is a ceremony that can only take place between two Jews. Many rabbis will not officiate at a wedding between a Jew and a non-Jew because it is outside the realm of traditional Jewish law and custom.
[edit] The Ger Toshav proposal
On rare occasions there are intermarriages between a Jew and a gentile, yet the gentile is not a member of a non-Jewish faith. This is possible because there are many people who are ethical monotheists who believe in God as understood by Judaism, and who reject non-Jewish theologies. When married to a Jew, they are willing to have a Jewish household, go to synagogue, and raise their children as Jewish. In a new development in the Jewish community, over the past 30 years, a small but growing number of rabbis have come to feel that such a marriage need not be a threat to Jewish continuity. Some sociological studies have shown that gentiles who choose to affiliate in this way with Judaism often raise families that are more educated and observant than those who are raised by two Jewish parents. Rabbi Steven Greenberg has written a formal proposal on this topic, reinstating the biblical concept of Ger Toshav, a biblical term for resident alien, denoting someone who is not Jewish as he has not converted, but who lives within the Jewish community and shares many of the accompanying responsibilities and privileges (See http://www.clal.org/ss43.html), but this is not intended as a direct approval for intermarriages which remain forbidden by Torah law (Deuteronomy 7:3).
[edit] Converting to Judaism before a marriage
If a gentile converts to Judaism in accord with Halakha (Jewish law) and then marries a Jew, this by definition is considered a Jewish marriage, not an intermarriage.
[edit] Divorce
Halakha (Jewish law) allows for divorce. The document of divorce is termed a get. The final divorce ceremony involves the husband giving the get document into the hand of the wife or her agent, but the wife may sue in rabbinical court to initiate the divorce. If a man refuses to grant his wife a divorce, she assumes the status of an agunah (literally, "chained" or "anchored" wife); she is unable to remarry until the divorce is granted. A similar but rarer situation, in which the wife refuses to accept a get, similarly prevents the husband from remarrying, but there are some subtle differences between these scenarios.
[edit] Conservative, and Reform changes
Conservative Judaism follows most of the laws and traditions regarding marriage and divorce as is found in Orthodox Judaism. One difference is that the Conservative movement allows certain changes to be made in the Ketubah (wedding document) to make it egalitarian. Often a clause is added to prevent any possibility of the woman ever becoming agunah (called "the Lieberman clause").
Most Orthodox Jews hold that this modification is a violation of Jewish law, and this have devised a separate prenuptial agreement external to the ketubah which has a similar effect - this agreement states that if the husband refuses to grant the get, he will be required to pay an enormous ongoing fee until he grants the get. This agreement is done in such a way that the husband, upon granting the get, will not be considered to have do so under duress (which would invalidate the get), but instead he has a free-will choice to either grant the get or keep paying money (but the fee is usually large enough that he effectively has no choice but to grant the get, unless he wishes to go bankrupt). In addition, this agreement is considered a legal contract by civil courts, so that if the husband refuses to pay the money or grant the get, and the rabbinical courts are unable to enforce the agreement, the civil courts can enforce it. There are sources for this in ancient Tenayim documents. In a recent development the Rabbinical Assembly, the international assembly of Conservative rabbis, has also promoted the use of a separate prenuptuial agreement, to be used in place of the Lieberman clause. This is not because they have concerns about its legitimacy, but rather about its effectiveness.
Reform Jews have traditionally not used a Ketubah at their weddings. They instead usually use a short wedding certificate. They generally do not issue Jewish divorces, seeing a civil divorce as both necessary and sufficient. In recent years those in the traditional wing of Reform have begun using egalitarian forms of the ketubah. Conservative and Orthodox Judaism do not recognize civil law as overriding religious law, and thus do not view a civil divorce as sufficient. Thus, a man or woman may be considered divorced by the Reform Jewish community, but still married by the Orthodox or Conservative community.
[edit] Marriage in Israel
As civil marriage does not exist in Israel, the only institutionalized form of marriage in Israel is the religious one, i.e. a marriage conducted by a cleric. In specific, marriage of Israeli Jews must be conducted according to Orthodox Jewish halakha. This implies that people who cannot get married according to Jewish law (e.g. a kohen and a divorcée) cannot have their union sanctioned. This has led for calls, mostly from the secular segment of the Israeli public, for the institution of civil marriage. There are many people affected by this law. In Israel today, there are approximately "300,000 Israelis who cannot marry because one of the partners is not Jewish, or his or her Jewishness cannot be determined." [1] In other words, a marriage in Israel is not possible unless both partners are determined to be halakhically Jewish.
Many secular Israelis travel abroad to have civil marriages, either because they do not believe in the Orthodox view of Judaism or because their union cannot be sanctioned by halakha. These marriages are legally binding in Israel, though not recognized by the rabbinate as Jewish.
[edit] See also
[edit] Judaism's view
- Role of women in Judaism
- Shidduch (finding a marriage partner)
- Shalom bayit (peace and harmony in the relationship between husband and wife)
- Niddah (menstruation laws)
- Tzeniut (modest behavior)
- Yichud (prohibitions of seclusion with the opposite sex)
- Negiah (guidelines for physical contact)
- Rebbetzin (rabbi's wife)
[edit] Non-Jewish views
[edit] External links
- Jewish marriage: Frequently Asked Questions
- A Guide to the Jewish Wedding, Jewish Marriage and Jewish Life
- Chuppah ceremonies
- Jewish wedding overview
- Answers about Chuppah
- The Laws and Customs of the Jewish Wedding chabad.org
- Why Marry Jewish. Information from Israel's Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi.
- The Orthodox Prenuptial Agreement
- The Kiddushin Variations A Directory of Halakhic Possibilities For A More Egalitarian Kiddushin Ritual.
- The Basis for the Opposition to Intermarriage
- Honor your wife - the Torah approach to marriage
